Confessions of a Junk Food Junkie

… a potato chip junkie, to be precise.

I could, in all honesty, be perfectly content in the above photo if only the tub was filled with these

…instead of Cheetos.

Cheetos.  Pfft.  Gormogons sums up the edible, orange-dye-No.1 packing puffs quite nicely: “Cheetos are clearly corn based life forms, with glowing orange skins.”  Potato chips, on the otherhand, are nothing short of crisp, golden-fried perfection.

Like any junkie, I am uncontrollable.  Do not leave me alone with a bag of chips, or I promise… they’ll be gone. Down to the last finger-licking crumb. None for you (or at least very few for you, given you’re able to strong-arm me into sharing).

But, to prevent my rear end from busting out the seams of my pants, I’ve gotta have a strategy.

1. Don’t buy chips.
2. Okay. Realistically, number one doesn’t work very well.  So, whenever possible, purchase small individual snack bags.  This prevents gut ache and offers potential for greater variety over time.
3. Never, never purchase a full bag without the presence of a co-consumer.
4. Explore “healthier” options.  (No. Not an apple silly.)

Yeah, a “healthier potato chip” is an oxymoron and borders on sharing the same universe as my pet unicorn.  But still, there are a few less dangerous options out there.  (And I’m not talking about the unorthodox GI cleansing ingredient that is Olestra.)

The variety of baked chips has come a long way.  Among my favorites are Lay’s Baked Southwestern Ranch.  Also Archer Farms’ Jamaican Jerk Baked Potato Crisps pack a pretty delightful punch.

But for something more akin to tradition… I go for Baked Ruffles and plunge those babies straight into a thick French Onion dip.  The trick is, you’ve gotta make the dip at home.  And make it with Greek yogurt instead of sour cream.

Chocolate Covered Bacon

Ooooh yeah.  Chocolate and bacon… a couple of my favorite things.

But together?!?

Admittedly, a teeny bit of doubt crept through my mind before taking that first brave bite.  But once those sweet, salty flavors hit my tongue, intrigue took over.  Immediately following sweet and salty comes a smooth smoky flavor that pairs deliciously with bitter sweet chocolate.

Overall, pretty damn good.  The only improvement I’d like to see is a bit of toasted ancho chillies infused into that chocolate.  Mmmm… I can already taste it.  The rich earthiness of toasted anchos highlighting those smoky flavors. Yeah. Then comes the heat.

Frack! My fat a#% won’t fit into these jeans.

Img src: TempestHole.com

That’s what Paulina said after she ingested about 3 weeks worth of calories at the Texas State Fair.  At BigTex.com you can traverse the wide world of a Texan State Fair without even stepping foot near the big 10-gallon hat state.  You’ll also immediately see why Paulina said what she said about her curvaceous rear end.

Of course, you’ll miss out on actually ingesting all the gut-wrenching deep-fried foods littered about the fair.  But not to worry.  With a quick click through to the Big Tex food locator,  you too can at lease lust (or disgust) over foods saturated in way too much fat.

Chicken Fried Bacon – Thick and peppery Farm Pac® bacon is seasoned, double-dipped in a special batter and breading and deep-fried. Served with a creamy side of ranch or honey mustard sauce.   Served at  N30 located on Nimitz at MLK. Winner of Best Taste in the Big Tex Choice Awards competition.

Fried Banana Split – A mixture of banana and honey peanut butter is rolled in balls, battered and deep-fried and topped with assorted, delicious fixings, including powdered sugar, caramel and chocolate syrups, chopped peanuts, whipped cream and banana split flavored ice cream bites then fittingly crowned with the traditional cherry.  Served at the Auto Grill inside the Automobile Building. Winner of Most Creative in the Big Tex Choice Awards competition.

Deep Fried S’mores – Marshmallow cream and chocolate chips are sandwiched between two graham crackers, dipped in a feather-light batter and fried to a golden brown.  The campfire-inspired treats are dusted in powdered sugar. Included in the menu at stand N9 located near the Embarcadero entrance. Finalist in the Big Tex Choice Awards competition.

Fire & Ice – A pineapple ring is battered and deep-fried, then topped with banana-flavored whipped cream that’s been frozen in liquid nitrogen. The smoking concoction is ladled with strawberries and syrup.  Fire & Ice is served by Abel Gonzales at the family-run stand on Nimitz Drive. Finalist in the Big Tex Choice Awards competition.

Fried Pop Rocks Fundae Blast – Ignite your senses with this explosion of Tastes.  Fried Ice Cream covered in Hershey’s Syrup and Pop Rocks.  Your fuse is a Twizzler rolled in Pop Rocks.  While you disarm it, you’ll find an Atomic Fireball inside . . .“Fire in the Bowl”! Stand FW-22 located on Fun Way across from Lost Children Building.

Fried Dinner Roll – A savory dinner roll lusciously filled with cream cheese and covered with a sweet batter, placed on a stick and deep fried to perfection.  Stand TB-14 located in the Tower Building.

Green Bean Fries – Fresh Green Beans lightly battered, deep fried, and served with a side of cucumber ranch dressing for dipping!  BW’s Fried Ribs stand TB-1 in the Tower Building.

Texas Bar-B-Que Eggrolls – BW’s Chopped Beef in an eggroll wrap, deep fried to a delicate crispness, and served with BBQ sauce for dipping or ignite your senses further with a splash of Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce. BW’s Fried Ribs stand TB-1 in the Tower Building.

Ignited Moon Pie – The Original Moon Pie, lightly battered and deep fried, then gently sprinkled with powdered sugar! Stand N-9 located near the Embarcardero Building entrance.

Me yO My Oh Mayo!

You say “Mayo”
I say “Seafood”

You say, “What?! ¿You out of your F*%#ing mind?!”

Then you remember all those tuna fish sandwiches you had when you were a kid. Those sandwiches that no one dared bring to school unless the sammich was shoved into a lunch box along with a couple of ice packs. But come on… we both know there were those kids who approached the lunchroom table with a brown paper bag full of soggy bread, tuna fish and lukewarm mayo. ugggg.

Welcome to today, my friend. Because today you can wrap your paws around a fist full of room temperature mayo and seafood with out the slight annoyance of, oh, bacterial food poisoning.

Enter… Thai Seafood Mayo Potato Chips (found in Hua Hin, Thailand)

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