The Story of Beast Feast

Over the course of hundreds and thousands of years, the original Beast Feast villagers scattered across the globe. Eventually their culture and heritage — including this festive celebration — faded into the lost annals of history.

…until now, when Molly Johnson (aka @piratemolly) brings to us The Second Annual Beast Feast — a momentous revival of a lost tradition.

And, as designated historian, I am obligated to tell the story of The Beast Feast…

Long ago, a horrible beast creature was gobbling up people. I mean really gobbling them… Like ultra hungry ogres herding lambs to the uber-commercialized-disassembly-line-style slaughter house.

Not a pretty sight. The beast made man kabobs, deep-fried man, grilled Sam and Sally sandwiches w/ a side of slaw… the list goes on. Its culinary creativity was rivaled only by its insatiable blood lust.

Some have theorized that the beast had an eating disorder. And, being the only one of its kind, had succumbed to binge eating as a way to mask its painful isolation. That it binged on humans is thought to be merely a matter of coincidence, as the village was conveniently located next to the beast’s lair. Others have proposed that the beast’s man-flesh carnage was due to a physiological drug-induced addiction. The theorized culprit: the human pituitary gland. All it took was one. Just one little pituitary gland. After that, there was no curbing the craving.

In a desperate and rather unsophisticated act of defense, the villagers resorted to beating the man-eating beast with long sticks. This startled the creature. But it was eventually the beast’s severe allergy to sap from the Juniper tree which was its ultimate undoing. After many beatings with sticks plucked from the village Juniper trees, the beast finally fell (as did the overly and brutishly pruned Juniper trees).

After destroying the beast, the people feasted – bare handed – on its magnificent meat, both tender and juicy. (It’s suspected that the juniper helped flavor and tenderize the beast flesh – not to omit the likely tenderizing effect of the beatings.)

Since the villagers’ victory, the people vouched to commemorate the slaying and the feasting on the beast with an annual celebration. A reenactment of slaying the beast with sticks is carried out. And, true to the people’s barehanded consumption of roasted beast, the commemorations always called for feasting merrily on foods using no silverware.

Hence, the piñata and sans silverware convivium at the annual Beast Feast.

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