Sometimes I really hate being a food snob

I looked over at it.  A luscious serving of rich, chocolate goodness.

Instantly, my mind registered Chocolate Mousse. One of my favorites. My mouth began to salivate as I could feel the velvety, whipped cream over my tongue.  The tangy, bittersweetness of dark cocoa was balanced with just the right amount of not-too-much sugar and a splash of vanilla.

Yes. I could taste it all. And I wanted it now.

Well, I reached over. Grabbed myself a serving and plunged in the ‘ol spoon. I took one bite and my food fantasy was immediately crushed by a concoction of sad impostors…

Instead of luscious chocolate mousse, the brown stuff that was sitting on my tongue had the distinct aftertaste of instant pudding… that dull, sort-of chocholate flavoring.  And the texture was anything but velvety.  Instead, the gummy texture was most likely attributable to modified food starch, or one of its many wicked step sisters… cellulose gel, carrageenan, etc.  And the fluff? Probably Cool Whip.

Caution: Best Western Spaghetti May be Hazardous to Your Health

Not exactly something I’d shovel into my mouth, but this animation is some of the tastiest stuff I’ve seen in a while!

Flavor Explosion Induces Tourettes

Honestly, I’m not kidding. That’s what happened a few days ago when I was whipping up a garlic herb marinade. I had well-pummeled my ingredients in a mortar and pestle and had decided to have a little sample taste… you know, to balance the flavors.

After one taste, four words uncontrollably escaped my mouth.
Fu*#. Shi#. That’s good.

Apparently, I uttered the phrase so loudly that my boyfriend in the next room overheard me. Anyway, without further ado, here’s the marinade…

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Garlic Herb Marinade

Fresh garlic, basil, oregano, crushed red pepper, fennel, salt and pepper, olive oil, and balsamic vinegar.

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And this was our meal…

Sautéed Shrimp w/ Garlic Herb Marinade

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Wilted Spinach w/ Garlic and Shallots

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Cataño Rice Cakes stuffed w/ Goat Cheese

Cataño Rice – garlic, shallots, white wine, saffron, chilies, green olives, capers, cilantro

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FREE -> 100% Fresh Organic Herbs! All except for the occasional splash of bum urine

…urine which very well may be tainted with a number of non-organic substances.

Yup. That’s the thought that interrupted my otherwise sweet stream of consciousness as I wondered past patch after patch of fresh herbs growing in South East Portland. Oh, I know. Someone planted them there. In which case, I should keep my grubby, curious little paws off them.

Okay fine.

But there are still countless patches of herbs growing “wild”, shall I say? …Patches existing outside the realm of front-yard gardens.

Exhibit A: Rosemary

LOCATION: You guessed it. I could tell you, but then I’d have to do something both of us would regret.

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Exhibit B: Lavender

Yeah, another undisclosed location. So hate me. Better yet, find your own patches. Trust me… they are all over!

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Oh yes. And words of wisdom: Wash Well.

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Sloppy SPAMmich Shamefully Admits Defeat

Believe it or not…

Delightfully charming Sloppy SPAMmich spiraled to defeat in this year’s annual SPAM Cook Off! This wondrous SPAM Cook Off can be found only in the heart of Fremont, Nebraska (and other prestigious U.S. locals selected primarily for their exquisitely refined palates).

The winner of said competition was none other than Spyros!
WTF!??!!! you ask. I know, you’re curious and a little confounded, but not to worry. I’ll share the award winning recipe with you. But first, you absolutely must meet someone…

[Enter Ms. Spammy-Dandy Denton]
aka Maven Spam’NoiNk

Okay, now what you’ve really been waiting for:

First Place Recipe: Spyros

Shirelle loves gyros, so she decided to give this favorite a SPAM twist. She also substituted tortillas for the pita bread. The result was a flavorful, full of good-for-you vegetables, creamy-sauced sandwich that added zest to an old favorite. The judges loved it and deemed it worthy to enter in the national competition.

Spyros

by Shirelle Flores

1 can (12-ounce) 25% Low Sodium SPAM
1/2 cup finely chopped or shredded onion
2 teaspoons fresh minced garlic
1/2 teaspoon dried ground rosemary
1/2 teaspoon dried ground marjoram
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
3 large burrito-style flour tortillas or authentic pita bread
Garnish:
1 head lettuce, shredded
4 ripe tomatoes, sliced
1 can (6 ounces) whole black olives
1 package feta cheese
1 large red onion, sliced
Cucumber Yogurt Mix:
1/2 cup shredded cucumbers
1 cup plain white yogurt
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon vinegar

Prepare cucumber yogurt mix by combining all ingredients and then refrigerate to chill. In a shallow baking pan add the olive oil and all of the seasonings including the onion and garlic. Marinate 12 evenly sliced pieces of SPAM in the mixture for about 15 minutes. Bake at 350 degrees for about five to eight minutes or until SPAM is crispy around all edges and soft in the middle. While the SPAM slices are marinating, you should start preparing your garnish items such as slicing tomatoes and shredding lettuce. Warm your tortillas according to package directions. Take four slices of your baked SPAM and place on tortilla. Garnish with the lettuce, tomatoes, red onion, black olives and feta cheese. Add the cucumber yogurt mix on top. Fold the bottom of the tortilla up and wrap. Now enjoy your Spyro.

Alright.

Alright. Enough gastrointestinal mayhem for one night.

World leaders enjoy 18-course banquet as they discuss how to solve global food crisis

Click to enlarge menu

…

Perhaps they should’ve invited a few stakeholders to the table.

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Full story by James Chapman via MailOnline

Hot, Limp Pickle

Seriously. That’s what you get when…

you drop a
several week/month/year-old pickle
– who’s suspended succulence –
– was made possible thanks to a high-acid bath –
into a very, very, very
hot vat of splitter, splattering oil.

Images of hot, limp pickles danced through my mind as I challenged myself to experience this abomination of an otherwise crunchy, tangy little treat.

Ever-so-bravely, I took the plunge. Not surprisingly, the outside was fried to a perfect golden, greasy little crispity crisp. Also not surprisingly, the inside — the actual pickle — was warm and soggy.

I took one bite and couldn’t finish.

Yeah, yeah. I blog smack about these nasty little GI bombs. But in all fairness, (or simply to twist things up a bit), I should share that my two dinner comrades found the contradictory soggy/crunchy pickle combination to their liking.

Still, the most impressive element of this bold experience — hands down — were my comrades’ fried-pickle comments:

“I can see it on an omelet. Really.”

“It’s like a vege alternative.”

“Ketchup on fried pickles. It’s like white trash on top of white trash,” she said with a big dollop of catsup on the end of her pickle.

“Fried pickle belch is not the tastiest.”

Our fried pickles were scrounged up at Fire on the Mountain.
Thanks, guys.
For an experienc.e

Death by Microwave

So, last night I decided to subject myself to the inadequacies of local broadcast news. While my disappointment with their insufferable news quality prevailed… something new and intriguing emerged.

Death by Microwave

Yes. Local news DID decide this was “newsworthy”.
**Not to be confused with very, berry blogworthy**

Some how, this video took me to the way-back-when days… to the very first time I witnessed such wicked sweet death by kitchen appliance.

Enter…

Gremlins!
(The clip is a little long and it takes a while to get to the microwave scene. You could always force the play head forward, but beware… you’ll miss the gruesome blender shot.)

Okay. One more Death by Microwave.

Fry Furbe Fry.

Roughing it with Thai Peanut Curry

So the camping excursion was a blast. We set up camp at Rouston Park in Mount Hood. Sweet little spot right next to a swiftly running stream. Strike swift. After much deliberation and formulated thought, the conclusion was that waters were running anywhere between 5.5 and 6 mph. But that’s a whole other story.

To the point…

THE DINNER MENU

• Thai Peanut Curry Beef Kabobs – grilled over open fire
• Green Beans Sautéed with Thai Tom Yum Paste – cooked on Coleman camp stove
• Foil Roasted Potatoes with onion, garlic, s&p, a dash of nutmeg, a whole lot of butter and freshly grated Parmesan – roasted over open fire

Yes, I know. The potatoes do NOT fit in with my Thai theme. But hey. What can I say? It’s camping. We’re supposed to be roughing it!

The key to this meal was the fire. We have grand master fire starter, Niko, to thank for crafting a dual-purpose fire. Half of the fire pit was dominated by red hot coals. Just perfect for roasting the potatoes. Niko constructed the other half of the fire with Boy Scout precision, so we had plenty of intense flame for perfectly caramelized kabobs.

Thanks for engineering the perfect fire Niko! (pictured right).

Cheese Racing

Okay, so I know that I just blogged smack about cheese racing in my previous post, but…

this “sport” is so down right ludicrous, that a little part of me couldn’t help but delve in a little further. I mean really, the Cheese Racing site offers this warning…

WARNING!! Cheese racing can be dangerous – the makers of this website CAN NOT be held responsible for any accidents or injuries that may occur. Practice safe cheese racing by following these simple guide lines.

• Do NOT attempt ‘indoor cheese racing’. This is strictly an outdoor sport. (This includes tents!)

• Be sure to ingest large quantities of alcohol and/or other chemical relaxant before (and during) play. This will relax the body and nervous system, thus minimising the pain of any injury and enabling you to play on.

Having said that, the sport does have an impressive safety record with zero fatalities so far…

And just a couple videos (and maybe a few cheese slices) to purge my system of it’s freakish interest in cheese racing…

First…
a direct violation of Cheese Racing warning #1

Next, cheese racing the Out Doors way.
(Though I believe they may very well be in violation of Cheese Racing warning #2)