Damn those Lying Restaurants

Twice this week, I’ve found my taste buds tantalized by lush, descriptive menus.  Then, my food comes.  I prepare to take that much awaited first bite and WHAM! My cravings are beaten into submission all because the menu description was way off the mark.

CASE 1: Bonfire’s Jerk Pork Sandwich

Last Thursday, the Bonfire Lounge on SE Stark was the source of my affliction.  It started with the following menu description:

Jerk Pork Sandwich. House jerked shredded pork with lettuce, tomatoes and onions. Served on a hoagie with a side of our Caribbean coleslaw and Sweet potato fries.

Mmmm. I craved that bold Carribean flavor profile — a bouquet of Scotch Bonnet peppers, allspice, cloves, cinnamon, onion, nutmeg, and garlic. But what I got was just plain ‘ol pork seasoned with salt, pepper, a little garlic and grilled to perfection.

Yes, it was grilled to perfection.  But, it was NOT Jerk.  Nothing about my pork sandwich even remotely resembled Jerk.

CASE 2: Marriott’s Seared Salmon Sandwich

This evening, it was a restaurant at the Sea-Tac Marriot that led me into culinary disillusionment.  The menu item: Seared Salmon Sandwich.

I expected the color and texture of my salmon to be something like this:

Unfortunately, it looked a little more like this:

I am inclined to believe these restaurateurs are liars. However, I am open to other possibilities.

• Classic Bait-and-Switch strategy.
• Cooks are food-illiterate and need a refresher course in cooking 101.
• Menu writer assumes customer is food-illiterate and will write just about anything to lure the unsuspecting diner into buying  the dish.

Chocolate Covered Bacon

Ooooh yeah.  Chocolate and bacon… a couple of my favorite things.

But together?!?

Admittedly, a teeny bit of doubt crept through my mind before taking that first brave bite.  But once those sweet, salty flavors hit my tongue, intrigue took over.  Immediately following sweet and salty comes a smooth smoky flavor that pairs deliciously with bitter sweet chocolate.

Overall, pretty damn good.  The only improvement I’d like to see is a bit of toasted ancho chillies infused into that chocolate.  Mmmm… I can already taste it.  The rich earthiness of toasted anchos highlighting those smoky flavors. Yeah. Then comes the heat.

Bacon is the Hershey’s of Meat Candy

Yes sirree.  There’s no denying it.  Bacon is the candy of all meats.  So say we all!

At Amazon.com, you can find a whole page devoted to “bacon-meat-candy”.  Better yet, the Bacon Freak Club has a line of “Bacon is Meat Candy” t-shirts, hats, tanks and other greasy apparel.

This is all good and well.  But when it comes down to it,

bacon is the Hershey’s of “Meat Candy”.

Let’s face it.  Bacon — like Hershey’s — is one of those good ‘ol reliable staples that can manage to pull you through the next craving.  You go to the market, drop it into your cart (bacon that is — not the chocolate) and think about how well it will go with that burger, or maybe next to a stack of pancakes and eggs.  (If you’re really inspired, you’ll think about how it will add rich depth to your next Puttanesca Sauce.)

But let’s face it.  Sometimes (okay, most of the time),
Hershey’s just ain’t good enough.

Sometimes, you need a real chocolate to satisfy the craving.  Something deep, dark… a luscious 75% Ecuadorian cocoa, or perhaps a spicy blend of chilies and cocoa nibs to tantalize the palate.

…and sometimes,
Bacon just ain’t good enough.

Sometimes, you need a more complex flavor to tantalize the palate.  In these cases, I recommend a time-stopping indulgence in the sweet, salty flavors of a mouth-watering Spanish Serrano or Italian Prosciutto.  And no, pork does not necessarily claim all of the top-shelf real-estate when it comes to meat candy indulgences.  Enter: Bresaola.  Trust me.  You’ve gotta try it.

A Prost to the dandiest of all meat candies:
Serrano, Prosciutto, Bresaola.

I wouldn’t hate on her if she smelled like fried food

…that’s what @wwwdotjenna Tweeted back in January of ‘08, and it’s been lodged in my mind ever since.

It’s got me thinking about the wide world of fried food.  Not just your run-of-the-mill French fries, but golden foods that stretch the mind’s imagination (or repulsion).

On the one hand, we’ve got the lowbrow side of fried with French-Fry Coated Bacon on a Stick…  mmmm. bacon.

And on the other hand is the highbrow side of fried…

…with Emeril Lagasse’s Fried Duck Confit with Blueberry Sauce.

I admit, the “Blueberry Sauce” portion of this menu item doesn’t sound all that enticing… at first.  But with a closer look, you see that this sauce calls for a lavish, mouthwatering duck stock reduction spiked with the sweet richness of port.  Port is the bridge here.  It’s combination of deep, earthy flavors and rich sweetness helps to ease blueberries into the savory spectrum (and away from all those images of pies and muffins I’m sure you were picturing).

But I’m a realist.  Despite the fact that I can’t stop my mouth from watering over the mere thought of fried duck, I willingly admit that my chances of eating French-Fry Coated Bacon on a Stick are — sadly — much greater than those of savoring Fried Duck Confit with Blueberry Sauce.

Emeril’s recipe points out that cooking time alone is about 10 hours for that dish! And that doesn’t include prep time.  Oh right. And if I was seriously inclined to prepare this recipe, I would need to round up two whole duck carcases just for the stock reduction.  Last time I checked, duck ‘aint cheap.

I’ve got a craving. I checked prices on whole duck a couple weeks ago. Needless to say, I brought home chicken.

The Latke Variation: A clash with tradition

That’s the image that kept swarming through my mind as I conjured up creative variations on the same, ‘ol traditional potato pancake.  I know, I know. For many, I’m already committing a massive assault against the beautiful crisp, wonderfully golden, already perfect latke. But I cannot help it.  I’ve never really been an adherent to traditions.

…and with food, I’m especially reluctant to permit creativity to be squelched by tradition.

But during this holiday season, I thought that perhaps I could arrive at a feasible compromise.  I’d take a traditional latke recipe and make some very minor changes… like adding some freshly chopped flat leaf parsley to the batter. And as for accompaniments, instead of the traditional dollop of applesauce or sour cream, I’d twist it up a bit.

Mini latkes would be topped with sourcream and a tiny bit of caviar — OR sourcream, a bit of smoked salmon and a sprig of chive. Essentially, I would exchange a blini for the golden crisp of a latke.  This is what I envisioned (exchange blini for mini latkes, of course):

But the definitive feedback was that latkes just weren’t meant to be eaten as appetizers. The holiday consumer was supposed to have free reign to pile multiple latkes onto one’s plate and freely add the accompaniments of sour cream or applesauce at his or her own free will.

So, I went back to the drawing board.

I focused on the fiery heat of beautiful chilies and decided to add this to the traditional batter:

• minced jalapano
• chopped fresh cilantro
• garlic
• toasted cumin
• 2 options for sour cream garnish: 1) Chipotle sour cream and 2) Plain sour cream, for those who can’t take the heat <wink, wink>

It’s certainly not wildly creative or artistically eccentric, but maybe I’ll reserve that for next year’s latkes.

An interesting note: At the end of the traditional latke recipe, the author makes a number of suggestions for nontraditional latkes including vege latkes and the addition of jalapeno pepper.

In closing, I think it’s only fair to circle back to the beginning…  Sure, I have my challenges with tradition (”…and with food, I’m especially reluctant to permit creativity to be squelched by tradition”).  But I’ll give a little and allow Tevye — that philosophical milkman — to have the last word.

Without traditions, our lives would be as shaky as a fiddler on the roof.

Frack! My fat a#% won’t fit into these jeans.

Img src: TempestHole.com

That’s what Paulina said after she ingested about 3 weeks worth of calories at the Texas State Fair.  At BigTex.com you can traverse the wide world of a Texan State Fair without even stepping foot near the big 10-gallon hat state.  You’ll also immediately see why Paulina said what she said about her curvaceous rear end.

Of course, you’ll miss out on actually ingesting all the gut-wrenching deep-fried foods littered about the fair.  But not to worry.  With a quick click through to the Big Tex food locator,  you too can at lease lust (or disgust) over foods saturated in way too much fat.

Chicken Fried Bacon – Thick and peppery Farm Pac® bacon is seasoned, double-dipped in a special batter and breading and deep-fried. Served with a creamy side of ranch or honey mustard sauce.   Served at  N30 located on Nimitz at MLK. Winner of Best Taste in the Big Tex Choice Awards competition.

Fried Banana Split – A mixture of banana and honey peanut butter is rolled in balls, battered and deep-fried and topped with assorted, delicious fixings, including powdered sugar, caramel and chocolate syrups, chopped peanuts, whipped cream and banana split flavored ice cream bites then fittingly crowned with the traditional cherry.  Served at the Auto Grill inside the Automobile Building. Winner of Most Creative in the Big Tex Choice Awards competition.

Deep Fried S’mores – Marshmallow cream and chocolate chips are sandwiched between two graham crackers, dipped in a feather-light batter and fried to a golden brown.  The campfire-inspired treats are dusted in powdered sugar. Included in the menu at stand N9 located near the Embarcadero entrance. Finalist in the Big Tex Choice Awards competition.

Fire & Ice – A pineapple ring is battered and deep-fried, then topped with banana-flavored whipped cream that’s been frozen in liquid nitrogen. The smoking concoction is ladled with strawberries and syrup.  Fire & Ice is served by Abel Gonzales at the family-run stand on Nimitz Drive. Finalist in the Big Tex Choice Awards competition.

Fried Pop Rocks Fundae Blast – Ignite your senses with this explosion of Tastes.  Fried Ice Cream covered in Hershey’s Syrup and Pop Rocks.  Your fuse is a Twizzler rolled in Pop Rocks.  While you disarm it, you’ll find an Atomic Fireball inside . . .“Fire in the Bowl”! Stand FW-22 located on Fun Way across from Lost Children Building.

Fried Dinner Roll – A savory dinner roll lusciously filled with cream cheese and covered with a sweet batter, placed on a stick and deep fried to perfection.  Stand TB-14 located in the Tower Building.

Green Bean Fries – Fresh Green Beans lightly battered, deep fried, and served with a side of cucumber ranch dressing for dipping!  BW’s Fried Ribs stand TB-1 in the Tower Building.

Texas Bar-B-Que Eggrolls – BW’s Chopped Beef in an eggroll wrap, deep fried to a delicate crispness, and served with BBQ sauce for dipping or ignite your senses further with a splash of Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce. BW’s Fried Ribs stand TB-1 in the Tower Building.

Ignited Moon Pie - The Original Moon Pie, lightly battered and deep fried, then gently sprinkled with powdered sugar! Stand N-9 located near the Embarcardero Building entrance.

Sometimes I really hate being a food snob

I looked over at it.  A luscious serving of rich, chocolate goodness.

Instantly, my mind registered Chocolate Mousse. One of my favorites. My mouth began to salivate as I could feel the velvety, whipped cream over my tongue.  The tangy, bittersweetness of dark cocoa was balanced with just the right amount of not-too-much sugar and a splash of vanilla.

Yes. I could taste it all. And I wanted it now.

Well, I reached over. Grabbed myself a serving and plunged in the ‘ol spoon. I took one bite and my food fantasy was immediately crushed by a concoction of sad impostors…

Instead of luscious chocolate mousse, the brown stuff that was sitting on my tongue had the distinct aftertaste of instant pudding… that dull, sort-of chocholate flavoring.  And the texture was anything but velvety.  Instead, the gummy texture was most likely attributable to modified food starch, or one of its many wicked step sisters… cellulose gel, carrageenan, etc.  And the fluff? Probably Cool Whip.

Caution: Best Western Spaghetti May be Hazardous to Your Health

Not exactly something I’d shovel into my mouth, but this animation is some of the tastiest stuff I’ve seen in a while!

Flavor Explosion Induces Tourettes

Honestly, I’m not kidding. That’s what happened a few days ago when I was whipping up a garlic herb marinade. I had well-pummeled my ingredients in a mortar and pestle and had decided to have a little sample taste… you know, to balance the flavors.

After one taste, four words uncontrollably escaped my mouth.
Fu*#. Shi#. That’s good.

Apparently, I uttered the phrase so loudly that my boyfriend in the next room overheard me. Anyway, without further ado, here’s the marinade…

*

Garlic Herb Marinade

Fresh garlic, basil, oregano, crushed red pepper, fennel, salt and pepper, olive oil, and balsamic vinegar.

*

*

*

And this was our meal…

Sautéed Shrimp w/ Garlic Herb Marinade

*

Wilted Spinach w/ Garlic and Shallots

*

Cataño Rice Cakes stuffed w/ Goat Cheese

Cataño Rice – garlic, shallots, white wine, saffron, chilies, green olives, capers, cilantro

*

FREE -> 100% Fresh Organic Herbs! All except for the occasional splash of bum urine

…urine which very well may be tainted with a number of non-organic substances.

Yup. That’s the thought that interrupted my otherwise sweet stream of consciousness as I wondered past patch after patch of fresh herbs growing in South East Portland. Oh, I know. Someone planted them there. In which case, I should keep my grubby, curious little paws off them.

Okay fine.

But there are still countless patches of herbs growing “wild”, shall I say? …Patches existing outside the realm of front-yard gardens.

Exhibit A: Rosemary

LOCATION: You guessed it. I could tell you, but then I’d have to do something both of us would regret.

.

Exhibit B: Lavender

Yeah, another undisclosed location. So hate me. Better yet, find your own patches. Trust me… they are all over!

.

Oh yes. And words of wisdom: Wash Well.

.